Soul Survivor
by EidolonLathi
Summary: With Hidan having been freed from being buried alive and Kakuzu having managed to manifest his body into existence again, the fateful fight in the Nara forest should be reduced to nothing but a distant bad memory. But when memories of old turn into nightmares they still hold the power to influence the present. A fic about the difficulty of 'just' moving on. [KakuzuxHidan]


_Summary: With Hidan having been freed from being buried alive and Kakuzu having managed to manifest his body into existence again, the fateful fight in the Nara forest should be reduced to nothing but a distant bad memory. But when memories of old turn into nightmares they still hold the power to influence the present.  
A fic about the difficulty of 'just' moving on. [Kakuzu/Hidan]  
__This fic is also cross posted to ao3.__  
_

_Author's Notes: Written for kakuhidaweek 2019. Day 02 – Prompt: Benefits.  
__This story takes place in an alternative timeline where the manga's war arc never happened nor the implications this arc put on several characters' developments. Also I'm taking some liberties with the forms the immortality of our Zombie Combo might manifest.  
This being said… please enjoy!  
_

* * *

**Soul Survivor**

Kakuzu had never liked it when Hidan had impaled his own heart while praying for the sake of giving his prayer more weight.

Since Kakuzu had literally returned from the land of the dead and since Hidan had survived his own experience of getting buried alive, Kakuzu found himself to become more and more affected when witnessing Hidan's prayer ritual though. There was no point of trying to sugar coat it, it was disturbing to see, plain and simple.

Since some time Kakuzu had tried suppressing the impression, telling himself it ultimately was not his business how Hidan decided to express his religion. And yet, despite trying to tell himself all of this, something in his mind had decided that today was enough. That this was the moment Kakuzu's composure vanished and despite his best attempts his last shred of patience disappeared. Gripped by a choleric rage he screamed at the pale figure lying motionlessly on the floor: "Do you have to continue destroying yourself further and further?!"

The distant look vanished from Hidan's face. He cracked his eyes open, giving Kakuzu a look that didn't quite succeed to hide that getting snapped at this unexpectedly had managed to disturb him after all. "That's… it's the same ritual as always. What's wrong with it now?"

"The 'always' is the problem. Don't you think the entire impaling number should stop eventually?"

"We who succeeded in getting elevated into immortality are expected to follow stricter rules when praying, you already know that!"

Kakuzu shook his head, suddenly devoid of words after getting surprised by his own unexpected fit of rage. Hearts were there to be collected and to be looked after, to ensure they stayed in good condition. That was the most important element of what kept his own sort of immortality functioning he thought, getting vaguely aware of the sound of five hearts beating in his body, four of them protected by his masks.

The tense surprise of getting snapped at vanished from Hidan's face, making room for clear anger: "And anyway! Now that Jashin saved me from being trapped in that hellhole it is more important than ever to show him my devotion and my thanks! It's only due to his power I came back from getting ripped to shreds!" The last word had practically been a snarling growl. The tone that sooner or later would always creep into Hidan's speech when he started speaking about, well. About having been buried alive for months.

Despite being aware of this Kakuzu couldn't help but show a joyless smile: "So, it was Jashin who dug you out of that hole? And Zetsu succeeding to trace your location and getting you out of that sealed part of the forest that had been pure coincidence, or what?" Kakuzu's smile had turned into a malicious grin by now. Only now he realized that part of the anger he was feeling was pure self-loathing. Jashin might not have dug Hidan out of that hole but neither had Kakuzu. When he had managed to break free from the destruction those Konoha maggots had inflicted upon him and had managed to get his old body back, at that point in time Hidan had already been freed since weeks.

Not for the first time Kakuzu asked himself what he actually was doing in this place. Not just being physically here, in the building Akatsuki used as a hideout currently but why he had returned to the organization to begin with. The leadership had changed, Zetsu only was seen brooding these days, Kisame looked straight up depressed and half of his former comrades were dead to begin with. Hidan was, well, undead as ever but far from having recovered fully from the strain that getting buried alive had put upon him. And in that state he was still piercing his own heart, Kakuzu didn't get it!

Hidan was still searching for words, visibly taken aback by Kakuzu's accusations. As if searching for stability he absentmindedly gripped the pendant of his rosary before starting to talk: "I'm fully aware that it was Zetsu who got the idea I might still be alive. But imagine all the things that could have gotten wrong when he went looking for me! There's a fucking seal on that part of the forest, not even starting to mention those creepy deer that keep stalking the place!" Hidan's eyes got distant, widening in horror by a vivid memory: "You haven't seen those creepy shit deer that brat commanded to come after me!" Trying to regain his composure Hidan shook his head, lowering his gaze: "Look, I'm just saying so much could have gone wrong. But it didn't! Because Jashin-sama made sure none of those Konoha fuckers got in the way when Zetsu came to get me out of that place."

Being met with this much conviction Kakuzu didn't find it in himself to disagree. Not because he had run out of arguments. But because the horror that showed up on Hidan's face every time he mentioned what had happened since the day they had gotten separated managed to make Kakuzu's tongue leaden and his throat brittle. He folded his arms in front of his chest, suddenly feeling oddly exposed. And irritated. This hesitation, it wasn't like him. Maybe he had come back wrong, maybe something had went slightly (gravely) wrong the day he had managed to manifest his physical body back into existence.

No longer feeling the weight of muteness from one second to another, maybe it was also something in his newly returned body malfunctioning that made Kakuzu continue talking where in days of old he would have simply left the room or would have fallen into another fit of rage: "It's just…. I don't get it. I really don't get it. How can you continue to inflict pain on yourself when… after how you spend this summer?" Kakuzu instantly regretted his choice of words. Directly addressing the time in the hole, it always felt risky and wrong, no matter how he put it. And now he had put it into especially awkward terms, wonderful!

He halfway expected Hidan to fall into another state of upset, the kind of sudden anger that would often grip him these days for the seemingly smallest reason. (Not for the first time since they had reunited Kakuzu asked himself if maybe something had fundamentally went wrong when both of their bodies had been ripped to shreds and at a later time had been put together again. At times it almost appeared as if their souls had downright switched bodies, continuing to get drenched in the personality of the other one. Wandering around at the borders of the land of the dead while never really entering it gradually would end in blurring other kind of borders, Kakuzu had since long held the suspicion.)

But instead of getting gripped by a meanwhile familiar sort of anger hearing the comment let a gleam of realization flicker up in Hidan's eyes, his expression turning thoughtful. "It's not really about the pain in itself, you know? It's funny, compared to when I'm wearing the pain of my sacrifices, the pain of praying is practically nothing."

Hearing this Kakuzu widened his eyes, raising his eyebrows critically.

Hidan sat up, putting out the spear that had still stuck in his chest, causing a thin stream of bright red blood to flow down his chest. It was the bright shade of red injuring an artery would show, different from the richer red flowing through veins. Odd how after centuries of slaughter Kakuzu was now able to tell the difference apart.

Putting the spear aside Hidan continued talking. "No, I mean that literally! With time, the pain of prayer really started to fade and these days it's almost no longer there." Still sitting cross-legged on the floor Hidan looked up at Kakuzu. "You heathens need to listen for once when I'm telling you about Jashin-sama, honestly! I told you, it's not about pain when doing a simple prayer. It's about acknowledging the power Jashin-same seemed fit to bless me with. Not everyone is chosen to reach the level of immortality I have, you know? Some only increase their regenerative powers. And some are never given the gift to advance further, Jashin-sama bless their souls. So the more blessed someone becomes over time, the further they have to adjust their prayer surroundings to show their appropriate thanks."

That… Kakuzu didn't like to admit it, but that almost sounded logical. "How does your religion find out if someone advanced with their ability to heal anyway?"

Hidan shrugged his shoulders, looking more at ease again. "There are tests. It's all described in our scriptures." Looking at Kakuzu he let hear an annoyed sigh. "Oh, don't look so critical! Those tests make sure no one who hasn't reached the next level of blessing gets seriously injured. It's not like we want to slaughter our own brothers and sisters!"

Lowering his gaze Kakuzu couldn't help but letting hear a tired groan. "Alright, the prayers no longer hurt then. But making sacrifices still does, yes? Why do you keep going through that pain, repeatedly?" Isn't there a point all suffering becomes enough?

"I only kill people who deserve it, you know that."

"You could use a method of killing that doesn't hurt you to begin with."

"But dedicating your sense of pain to Jashin-sama while erasing the deserving is an act of believe in itself."

Kakuzu felt himself pause. "Hidan? You do realize that most people try to avoid feeling pain, do you? Feeling this constant pain over and over again, what good does it do to you?" The moment he had spoken that out Kakuzu knew he had fucked up. Getting talked down to, as if he was too stupid to understand, it was a sure way to cause that sudden anger taking Hidan in its claws these days.

But when he looked at Hidan the gaze he was met with wasn't drenched in anger. It took Kakuzu a moment to realize that the emotion gleaming up behind Hidan's eyes was pure sadness. Continuing to stare at him Hidan sighed. "It's not like I enjoy pain! But I eventually decided that I'm sick of running away anymore. If I must endure it anyway, then I won't let it break me. Instead I will use pain to get carved into something better."

Kakuzu took a hesitant step forward, feeling confused. "Running… running away from what?"

Hearing the question an empty shadow laid itself over Hidan's eyes. He averted his gaze, shaking his head. "I'm done here. I need to clean up the floor, some of the blood spilled on the ground after all."

"Hidan…"

"You know, I should use a plastic sheet when praying indoors after all. Or just use the bathroom for it. Zetsu complained the other day that I keep missing blood spots when cleaning up the floor and I mean, he's not wrong, isn't he?"

"Hidan… look…"

"It's something else when praying outside but with everyone sharing this place, I feel kind of dumb keeping making it messy. It's not like I'm too stupid to clean up after myself!", Hidan announced, standing up and folding his spear together.

Kakuzu kept standing still, not knowing what to say, feeling like he was unable to move. Out of a sudden it occurred to him that neither he nor Hidan had ever mentioned in detail what had gone on in their respective life's before they had joined Akatsuki. There hadn't been a need to. Focusing on the past was pointless and sentimental and overall just wasn't worth it. But maybe having more than the bare understanding how someone had reached the place you were stuck with them together would have been useful after all?

Hidan left the room, continuing to talk something about going to look for a plastic sheet while not looking at Kakuzu a single time. Kakuzu stared after him leaving, feeling the strange urge to hold him back but being devoid of an idea of how to do so.

The next time Kakuzu managed to get hold of Hidan was in front of the washing machine. Hidan had crouched down in front of it, filling it with laundry, twitching together the moment he noticed Kakuzu entering the room, instantly lowering his gaze again.

The reaction emptied Kakuzu's head of any thoughts he had held, making him forget what he had wanted to say.

It was Hidan breaking the silence between them. "I'm washing white." He looked up, gesturing at Kakuzu. "You can give me your headgear if you want to freshen it up."

Hearing this Kakuzu went still. Giving how complicated the matter was they had just talked about, Hidan had stayed eerily calm about it. Atypically so, Kakuzu decided. So, was that one of those new thing he was doing now, poking into unrelated side matters instead of addressing directly what upset him? Kakuzu was still tense when he started to talk, trying to suppress the growing irritation in his voice: "Why? Is it looking dirty or something?"

Hidan's face grew sceptical, looking irritated by the hostile reaction: "No? I was just offering you could throw it in if you want to. Because I'm doing white stuff right now anyway!"

Once again Kakuzu felt speechless. So… the comment had been innocent to begin with?

Gesturing at the open washing machine door Hidan gave Kakuzu a questioning look.

As if acting on its own accord Kakuzu's hands set into motion, taking off his headgear and handing it over to Hidan. "Thank you."

"No problem." Hidan started the machine, keeping staring at it while the process started even after he had stood up again. "I know it's dumb, but I keep thinking how nice it is we have a washing machine in this place."

"Oh?", Kakuzu said, making sure to sound interested, wary what to say next. He hadn't been able to make sense out of Hidan's behaviour lately and he could already feel this conversation wasn't about the delights of modern household appliances to begin with.

Sensing Kakuzu's interest Hidan kept talking, never taking off his eyes from the washing machine: "We didn't have one at home, growing up. So if you wanted to do laundry you always had to go to the washing saloon. That was annoying but I really started to hate it when starting the academy. You know how quickly things get dirty during training lessons in school and stuff."

"I know. It gets worse when you get older and those lessons increase in number."

"You get it, right!" Hidan tore his gaze away from the washing machine, giving Kakuzu a short and intense look before staring right back at it again. "But overall, once the academy started, I actually preferred being at school than being at home. And you know, eventually there had come a point I even preferred having the excuse of going to the washing saloon instead of staying at home."

Kakuzu stood there, not knowing how to answer. During the time they had known each other Hidan had occasionally made a remark that had indicated that his home life had been far from idyllic, but he usually didn't bring it up out of a sudden like this here. Kakuzu still didn't know what to say. Suddenly he got painfully aware he was lacking his headgear, its absolute absence of being locked away in the washing machine making him feel exposed even though he often took the thing off when being indoors. "I see", Kakuzu awkwardly said.

Hidan absentmindedly gripped the pendant of his rosary, folding his arms in front of his chest the next moment. "What I want to say, I really was making an effort to get decent results at the academy. And once I graduated, I mean, doing that ninja stuff the village wanted you to do wasn't always how I'd imagined things would be, but well. That's how it was. And it was better than being stuck at home, so I didn't complain."

Kakuzu looked at him sharply, angling his head in a questioning way.

Catching the gesture Hidan showed a grin, impulsive and embarrassed. "Okay, I didn't complain too often. The point of what I'm saying here is, despite everything I was still making an effort."

Kakuzu nodded. The way Hidan explained things, they were easy to picture and believe.

Hidan's expression turned defiant, erasing the last trace of his innocent grin. "And then the village leadership declared they were done with the entire ninja business and wanted to turn the place into a hot spring resort. I felt so betrayed."

"Did it happen so sudden?", Kakuzu asked, giving in to voicing a curiosity he had carried with him since a while.

"Yes. They had been restless since a while but no one had seen that one coming", Hidan said, shrugging his shoulders. "All of a sudden they got it into their heads ninja work wasn't good enough for the village to be associated with anymore. Too dirty and drenched in blood or what the fuck do I know those shitty idiots were spouting about in their justification to change everything. War related work wasn't fancy enough for their wannabe refined asses anymore, the fuck do I know."

"So, the village leadership decided it alone?"

"Hmm, mostly. Some of the wannabe influential business owners who always tried to keep it cosy with the leadership were eager to get along with it, but neither of them really cared about the rest. Neither of them listened to what everyone else wanted."

"I see."

Hidan huffed, looking at the jugs with laundry detergent lined up neatly at the shelf. "All those years in the academy to get a degree that was now useless and then years of improving on the battlefield and those shitheads wanted me and everyone else to clean their hot tubs instead. It felt like everything I've done so far had been in vain."

Kakuzu nodded, staying silent, afraid to say the wrong thing.

Hidan continued: "Shortly after that a Jashinist monk travelled through the village and stayed for a few days. I told you about the monk."

"You told me about the monk", Kakuzu confirmed, unable to keep a wistful smile away from his face. Hidan had told him everything about the monk and how he had found Jashinism due to this meeting in complete detail. Repeatedly, several times.

"Well, and the rest you know already", Hidan said, reflecting the smile Kakuzu was directing at him.

"I do. I remember."

"Right." And echo of his smile was still present on Hidan's face, letting his eyes gleam up. "That's what I keep trying to tell you since ever: Since I've dedicated my life to Jashin, everything has a purpose again. Jashin isn't pretending he can erase mankind's suffering completely, but if you have faith in him your suffering will not be in vain." Hidan glared back at the shelf with the laundry detergents. "Jashin is the one who never let me down or betrayed me. So even if some of our praying rules are a bit strict, what of it. I don't think it's that much of a deal."

"Well, you're the one praying. What anyone else has to say about it doesn't really matter, doesn't it?", Kakuzu pointed out, feeling the need to say something encouraging. Maybe even to appease a bit. It wasn't an impulse he got confronted with often. And he still didn't know what to make out of it that those impulses seemed to increase in number.

Hearing this Hidan gave him a cautious glance. "It doesn't. Matter, I mean."

"See? That's all that's important then."

Hidan lowered his gaze, failing to hide the smile showing up on his face. "I think I'm still going to use a plastic sheet to pray on from now on. Or I could pray in here, in the washing room; the floor is tiled. Avoids the mess."

"Tiles would avoid it, yes."

Hidan raised his head, not quite looking Kakuzu into the yes but no longer hiding his smile either. "You could take that headgear of yours off more often if you want to, you know? I have the feeling I haven't seen your face in ages."

"You saw it this morning."

"That's what I'm talking about. Ages."

Kakuzu felt something in his chest snap, making room for a warm and solid sensation. Suddenly he couldn't hold still any longer. He stepped closer to Hidan, tentatively. "Can I give you a hug right now?"

Hearing the question Hidan looked up at him with puzzlement. "You… you don't have to ask me that? You know that, right?"

"I just thought maybe you're still mad at me."

A lopsided grin spread through Hidan's face, fuelling up a conflicted emotion behind his eyes: "I wasn't really mad at you. Just upset. About… things."

"About… things?"

"Oh, don't look at me like a kicked puppy, fuck it!" The next moment Hidan had thrown his arms around Kakuzu's neck, holding on tight.

Kakuzu forced himself to hug back, trying to overcome the odd stupor set in his mind, in his lungs. Being this hesitant wasn't like him. At all. And yet it wouldn't stop, making it feel like a part of his ever-present anger of old had turned into sadness instead, into something that held him back instead of moving him forward.

Hidan was still clinging close to him, starting to comb his fingers through Kakuzu's hair. A gesture he seldom managed to sustain from the moment the headgear no longer was in his way. He whispered something into Kakuzu's chest, speech too muffled that Kakuzu could understand it clearly. But it had sounded awfully close to something akin to "my sad puppy".

The words had been out before Kakuzu had decided he wanted to say something: "I'm sorry I wasn't there to help getting you out of that hole."

He felt Hidan getting tense, fingers gripping strongly into Kakuzu's hair. But when he started talking his voice sounded calm and stable: "There's nothing to apologize for. You were still trying to get your own body back at that time. I'm sorry we weren't there for you to help with that."

"None of you could have known. My chakra wasn't even strong enough to get sensed", Kakuzu instantly answered.

"Still", Hidan insisted, stressing his point by leaning up and pressing a firm kiss on the corner of Kakuzu's mouth.

Kakuzu just held still, leaning into the hug but not knowing what else to do. Yes, something in him had started to slow him down that had formerly been there to move him along further, he could feel it.

Hidan leaned slightly back, looking Kakuzu intently into the eyes. "You know what? I'm convinced Jashin-sama helped making it so you'd succeed getting your body back. And now he's still watching over you as well, I just know it."

"Even though I'm a heathen?"

"Ehh, that's not something that weighs in that severely in a case like yours." A good-natured grin showed up on Hidan's face. "He knows you're important to me that must be it!

Kakuzu's first impulse was to protest, denying Hidan's claim. But still getting confronted with that content grin he didn't find it in him to do it after all. Instead Kakuzu leaned down, giving Hidan a lingering kiss on the lips, ensuring all further discussion would come to a halt for now. If Kakuzu wasn't able to keep moving forward the way he wanted to for now then he could at least give in and enjoy the rests his convoluted paths offered, allowing himself to get lost in the sweet embrace of their kiss.

_**The End**_


End file.
